- giving tough feedback,
- engaging an audience,
- motivating a team,
- guiding a friend or family member through a tough time,
- building your business,
- leading an athletic team to higher levels of performance,
- teaching middle schoolers,
- wanting followership anywhere
At or With?
The world is full of people who operate with an attitude of “At”. Truth is, we’ve all done it. We were in a hurry or stressed out and started talking “At” other people rather than with them. In this state of “At”, we unconsciously view other people in one of three ways:
- Obstacles – preventing us from having or getting what we want
- Vehicles — for having or getting what we want
- Irrelevant — not worth our time, energy or attention
The Problem with “At”
Being “At” people damages relationships and generally makes life harder for yourself and others. It has a quality of being against; it pushes. “At” fuels distrust, upset, resentment, resistance, anger, shouting, and sometimes even violence. “I’m right! You’re wrong!” When operating from “At”, the best you can hope for, in terms of followership, is to gain the appearance of compliance.
The Benefit of “With”
“With” attracts rather than pushes. It is like standing beside someone, conveying that you are on their side, an ally. Together, you are looking at problems or challenges and together you are coming up with solutions and goals. When you are “With” someone you can create genuine Followership because being “With” does not invalidate other views, opinions, or beliefs. Instead, it makes room for differences while creating alignment.
When you are “With”, you invite others to join you. When you are “At”, you seek to defeat, compete, be right or be better than the other person.
“At” is the ego’s attempt to get a cheap hit of power. Power over others.
“With” is the heart’s desire for genuine personal power. Power with others.
How to Get With the “With” Program
First — make a personal commitment to be “With”. Be honset with yourself: are you viewing anyone as an obstacle, vehicle, or irrelevant? Practice connecting human being to human being.
Second — how do you treat people you don’t know very well: store clerks, other drivers on the road, customer service people, etc.? If you can bring the spirit of “With” here, it will be easier in other areas.
Third — bust yourself. Tell others about this tip. Ask for feedback on how you are doing.
Fourth — take on the exercise below.
What is one situation where you have been predominately “At” and are now willing to redefine your position and be “With”? What would being “With” look like, sound like, and feel like? What would be the impact of this type of shift — on you, on others, on the environment? Take action, communicate, or otherwise engage people in this situation from an attitude of “With” and notice what happens. (Give it more than one shot.)
It happens to most entrepreneurs at some point. Things start out great. You dream of having your own business with all of the freedom it promises. So you go for it and follow your heart’s desire! Though it’s exhilarating at first, somewhere along the way, that heart’s desire turns into heartburn. Your to-do list gets out of control. Hours are absurdly long. Sleep and exercise are distant memories. Soon enough you are driven by a list of Have-to’s, Should’s, and Can’ts. So much for “freedom.”
If this sounds familiar, check out the following 5 tips for getting back in the driver’s seat.
1. Reclaim An Empowered Mindset.
Remember that YOU are the boss, not your to-do list. In every moment you have the choice to go with the status quo or make a change. Seriously, unless you are incarcerated, you are the only one who decides how you use your time and attention. You are the one who made that to-do list in the first place, right? Here’s your new mantra: “I am in charge, not my list.”
2. Be Ruthless about What Or Who Gets Your Time & Attention.
A strange phenomena happens when we’re overwhelmed: Everything on the to-do list suddenly ranks as an A-1 priority [as if filing that stack of papers ranks up there with calling prospective clients]. Under the crush of that impossible list, we tend to burrow into our comfort zones rather than take risks that move us forward. [Guess which actions get taken, if any at all!] When you notice this happening, take a time-out. Sanity check. Get honest about your action plan. Limit it to the top 2 or 3 things that will benefit your business. If you complete those 2 or 3 things in one day, then add 2 or 3 more. Doing this will bring a laser focus to your action so that you are doing that matters most.
3. Schedule Time for Both Strategic & Tactical Planning.
Michael Gerber, author of the bestseller The E-Myth, popularized the notion of working ON the business, not just in it. Be sure to include regular, uninterrupted “think” time. I have one client who uses every Friday for this purpose. Another takes her team on a quarterly mini-retreat for a day — always off site! This precious time is used to reconnect with the big picture so that they don’t get consumed by the details of the day-to-day.
4. Have a 5-Year VISION first, then a 5-Year Plan.
If you don’t yet have my free KickBut guide, get it here. In it, I walk you through a process of dreaming and envisioning an exciting, compelling future for your business. Your vision must be rich with emotional charge for you. That emotion becomes the fuel that you will use to carry out the actions necessary to make your vision a reality. Think of it this way: you want your action plan powered by passion. An emotion-filled vision gives you that.
5. Engage in Ongoing Dialogue with Trusted Advisors.
You don’t have to do it all, all by yourself. Surround yourself with people who will give you real support. That is, encouragement + straight talk + compassion. You don’t need people who will rain on your parade nor do you need those who will indulge a pipe dream. Seek out excellent advisors, mentors, and coaches.
I just asked a client two powerful questions and here they are for you:
1. What do you persist in doing that does not enhance your business (or life)?
2. What do you avoid doing that would enhance your business (or life)?
First, the downward spiral
Most people can so easily see what isn’t working — as if we’re genetically coded to focus on problems. We’re too good at imagining worst case scenarios, wondering, “What if this goes wrong? What if that goes wrong?”
Of course, we can also imagine best case scenarios
My coaching clients dream and imagine wonderful things for themselves, for their loved ones, and for the planet. Yet many have a difficult time staying with these positive imaginings. They find themselves worrying about (more…)
A few months ago, a client asked for some help setting and attaining goals. She had outgrown the process of using so-called S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, & timely) goals, so I offered her this process instead:
Step One: Stop. It can seem weird to start with stopping; however, it is important to stop for the purpose of getting grounded in what you want, in what you are about, and in your conviction. This will come more from your heart than your head. This will help you harness and focus your energy. And, if you don’t stop to do this, you run the risk of being scattered and burning out and them bumming out.